The Bold and The Boxed: TV & Wine Pairings Fit For Primetime
The only thing better than going out is staying in. If experience has proven anything, it’s that the best way to stay in is with a bottle (or three) of wine and the primetime dramas every middle-aged woman knows and loves. As the newfound owner of a $10 wine opener and a semi-frequent buyer of $12 wine, I’ve grown to consider myself a bit of a sommelier. And by sommelier, I mean someone who knows shit about restaurant worthy wine but will proceed to advise your alcohol choices anyway. You’re already staying in this winter, so find out how to do it right.
Scandal & Yellow Tail Merlot You have a knack for ruining your whites. The idea of popcorn as a meal substitute is a cruel and hilarious joke, but you totally dig wine and so does Olivia Pope. The details hardly matter. A ‘94 du Bellay is obviously preferable, but if fictional wine selections aren’t in your wheelhouse we’ll settle for two for $10 merlot in the closest thing there is to glassware. After all, one woman’s Solo cup is another’s ridiculously long-stemmed Crate & Barrel wine glass.
The Real Housewives & Barefoot Pinot Grigio Before our screens saw angry mob wives, shady basketball wives, and the well-paid careers ex wives, Bravo introduced us to The Real Housewives. From New York’s Ramona Singer to Beverly Hills’ Brandi Glanville, these are the women who turned talking shit and ignoring the consequences into an Olympic level wine-fueled sport. This dish is best served with a Costco sized bottle of bottom shelf pinot.
The Bachelor & Franzia White Zinfandel Mindlessly watch 25 to 30 eligible young women vie for the abs (and heart) of one curiously single and family-oriented Chippendale’s dancer while sipping on this. America’s favorite reality romance competition deserves an equally iconic wine to match, and nothing says true love like five liters of boxed wine. With its subtle notes of desperation and pleasantly light basic bouquet, it’s a winning combination. Take a swig whenever there’s crying, and then one more for SU alum Ashley Laconetti, making us real proud.
Pretty Little Liars & 151 Vodka If you’re still watching Pretty Little Liars, skip the wine. Someone will do something stupid, no one will call the cops, and we’ll all still have absolutely no idea who A is. It’s a tale as old as 2010, and watching from the first episode is just as confusing as watching from the last. Not even sobriety is enough to sort through the inevitable plot twists and continuity loopholes. Might as well top off the night with some grade-A blackout juice, not that it would make a difference.
Art by Shawna Rabbas