The Lowdown on the Getdown

Your sexual conundrums solved.

Regardless of how hot the situation, at times I have trouble keeping an erection. I’m young and fit. What’s up with that?

If you wrote this drunk, then problem solved. Though if your first thought when you have whiskey dick is me, we have bigger problems.

In all seriousness, erectile dysfunction is a very common sexual disorder, affecting loads of people across the world. Although we typically attribute impotence to our grandfathers trying to stick it in our grandmothers one last time, the disorder affects men of all ages. A variety of causes exist for young men—everything from shitty genes to a severe case of francolatexphobia, the fear of condoms.

If condom fear drives the limp dick, try closing your eyes while she puts it on your penis mid-fellatio. If she’s sucking and slobbering all over it, you may not even notice she slipped a latex Snuggie over your member. During sex, avoid positions that will give you a good view of your cock. Stare into her eyes instead, and not only will there be no condom in sight, but she’ll also think you care about her, making her vagina clinch harder on your dick.

But if genetics are your problem, you can praise Allah for he has given us the answer to all your troubles: the cock ring. Slip this baby over your balls nice and snug, and you’re guaranteed a hard-on for significantly longer than you could have ever wished. Just don’t leave it on overnight. Trust me—been there, done that, got the aching blue balls to prove it.

Why does my boyfriend’s junk smell so bad? Is there anything he can do? The concept of “bad” here is quite subjective. Every guy has a unique scent down there—it’s Mother Nature’s way of personalizing each sexual experience. What smells like ammonia or rotten cheese to one girl may smell like raunchy, sexy manliness to another. If the smell of his crotch nauseates you that much, your pheromones simply may not match up, and it may be time to move on to someone else.

But don’t act too quickly. If you think you love him too much to dump him simply because his balls reek, then talk to him about the problem. The first question is, of course, whether or not he’s showering regularly. It may very well be that he does, and the scent arises an hour or so later. In this case, taking precautions to cut down on the level of sweat can be the best defense. Wearing loose cotton boxers will cause less secretion than, say, a cheetah-print Lycra thong.

Another option: tell him to shave off that pubic bush he’s got going on. Pubic hair traps the oils, making the area perpetually moist, and therefore perpetually rank. If he’s not ready to go bare, a simple trim can also do the trick. To be frank, though, a guy’s crotch isn’t supposed to smell like daffodils and daisies. My suggestion: embrace the musk. Plus, your vagina probably doesn’t smell like freshly-baked sugar cookies, either.

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Illustration by Emily Watanabe

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