The Political Popularity Contest

Celebrity status flew the Hollywood coop and landed in Washington D.C

By Jake Klau


Lindsay Lohan publicly demonstrates her inability to let go of juvenile habits, Weezy packs heat, and Mel Gibson directs tearjerkers about the most famous Jew while vomiting anti-Semitism late at night on California highways—ladies and gents, the new breed of American role model.

And as usual, if it tastes good, it’s not healthy for us. In a very recent and damning shift of societal values, our infatuation with embarrassing excuses for public figures spread to politics.

Sarah Palin, like most Hollywood celebrities, gained political attention with her mildly attractive looks. In a profession wrought with sagging white men, a young brunette with a pretty smile and a knack for hunting moose can get someone a long way—too far, in fact. But Palin tripped and found herself grouped with the likes of Paris Hilton when she agreed to vie for the office of vice president.

John McCain may very well have died of old age during his term, giving Palin a real chance of turning the Oval Office into the ovarian office. The galaxy-altering implications of being the President of the United States should require one to look in the mirror and perform an unbiased assessment of his or her own intelligence. Palin’s continued drive for high public office testifies to her failure to do so, as well as a continued excuse for my addiction to painkillers.

I get chills when I see the zealous hoards of sign-toters rallying and exploding with pleasure and excitement at the appearance of Sarah Palin, as though she were the incarnation of the Mother Mary. With a wink and the ubiquitous “you betcha!” Palin can incite a sullen crowd to rush the National Rifle Association membership tent while wildly chanting “U.S.A.!”

When she descends from heaven, sniping caribou on the way down, Uncle Sam’s testes ascend to a pre-pubescent configuration. As she crossed into the realm of celebrity, once-levelheaded voters became groupies, dooming a once-prosperous nation.

Fortunately, TLC’s new show Sarah Palin's Alaska will give America a chance to know their idol up close and too personal. New York State and Alaska have at least one thing in common: undeserving celebrity politicians.

After dipping his married wiener into an extramarital slot, Eliot Spitzer relinquished his office as governor in exchange for uncomfortable reclusiveness with his wife. He recently reemerged as a political pundit on Parker Spitzer, a talk show that dragged CNN’s already abysmal primetime ratings to new lows.

It seems that the public’s infatuation with Spitzer’s loose morals and massive glimmering forehead made CNN happy to gamble away its good name in exchange for a few remote-wielding gawkers.

Who cares what he actually says, he’s an unfaithful prick with a fat wallet and a propensity for prostitution—let’s watch!

Spitzer doesn’t have Palin’s star power to influence public opinion, but his celebrity status is substantial nonetheless. Even though he proved himself utterly unfit to serve as anything other than a good example of what not to do when elected to public office, the media awarded him a seat at their giant conference table so he can disseminate inherently questionable opinions to the masses.

He may have turned his life around, but it doesn’t excuse our eager willingness to give him a second chance. Our preoccupation with Spitzer’s infamy is a little unnerving—but hey, we also preordered the next Kid Rock album.

As a nation, we should be wary of the emerging wave of political celebrities. We cannot let the people entrusted to represent our best interests swoon us; stardom makes it simple for a less-than-average asshole to weasel a vote out of a bedazzled public citizen. Celebrity status flew the Hollywood coop and landed in Washington D.C., and unless we recognize and subdue the utter stupidity, we will suffer for it.

Illustration by Pat Davis

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