The Spring Segway


By Emma McAnaw

During winter break, we all expected to come back to the return of the Ice Age. Our iPhone weather apps – because God forbid we just look outside – foreshadowed a snowpocolypse. The University cheerfully Instagrammed pictures of the Hall of Language buried in snow as if we supposed to feel joy by knowing we were going to have to pre-game class if we didn’t want to freeze. But since we’ve returned, it’s been surprisingly warm, and as everyone knows, you’re not a real Syracuse University student if you don’t celebrate something fortunate by drinking. Here’s a list of ways to still convince both yourself and your parents that you’re still a functional student while toasting shots to our poor definition of good weather.

1. Dont get wasted the night of an exam.

If it’s a Monday night, and you have a test at 10 a.m. Tuesday, tell your friend to cool his jets and wait a day before doing those tequila shots. We all experience fear of missing out, but it’s not a popular night to go out. In fact, you’ll only feel regret (and nausea) when it’s time to take your test and you can’t even remember what class you’re in. Be a true Syracuse student and wait until you study and do well on an exam. Because then you have two things to celebrate, and can take twice the amount of shots.

2. Make a good impression on your professors.

Clearly every professor is aware that Syracuse University students have a (slightly unhealthy) love of partying. However, they don’t need to be reminded of this during their lecture. If you stumble into class with last night’s makeup running down your face, or reeking of Captain Morgan, that professor is not inclined to like you. You don’t want to be remembered as the schmuck that couldn’t even walk in a straight line down the lecture hall. It pays off to make a good impression on the professor, as they’ll be more likely to help you out when that notoriously difficult midterm or horrifyingly long research paper comes up. So for the first day of class, don’t spend the hour drunkenly scrolling through your Tinder matches. Raise your hand a couple times, and introduce yourself to the professor. That way your professor, unlike people who know you better, thinks you’re a responsible adult.

3. Modify your drinking based off of tomorrows schedule.

We’ve all been there. One moment you’re standing in front of a keg, the next you’re sprawled out in your bed with last night’s clothes still on. Good thing your class is in ten minutes, and you have enough time to do exactly nothing. If you know you have a busy day ahead of you, hold back on the excessive drinking. It seems like a such a simple thing to do, and yet so many people find themselves running to class in last night’s clothes and reeking of what they hope is just alcohol. Chances are you weren’t at the Beer Olympics last night, so keep your drinking light and spare yourself the misery of cradling your pounding head in your morning class.

4. Complete all of your work early.

Saving your work for the next morning never works, and yet we all try to do it way too often. You’re sitting at your computer doing your work/Facebook stalking, when you get a text from your friend asking if you want to go out. It’s so tempting to tell yourself that you’ll be able to wake up early in the morning and finish your homework so you can go out. The next time this happens, ask yourself how many times have you have actually finished your homework the next morning. Then ask yourself how many times you either didn’t wake up in time, or were just too hungover to actually finish your work. I’m betting the latter happened more often than not. Do yourself a favor and actually finish your homework before going out. The bars aren’t going anywhere; they’ll still be there when you don’t have work to do. I promise.

What are your tips for surviving the last months of winter? Share em in the comments, or tweet us @jerkmagazine.