The Week: 3/18-3/23

The tabloids are buzzing this week! Check out JERK’s recap below:  

Sun 3/18

- Everything’s not coming up Rosie this week. O’Donnell’s new talk show on Oprah’s OWN Network was cancelled for low ratings. For all three of you that were watching, we send our condolences.

- While Rosie may be out of a job, many others are celebrating the announcement that Wells Fargo is officially the nation’s largest bank in market value. That should keep the wallets stuffed for plenty of people.

Mon 3/19

- Your weekly Lindsanity update: the troubled “actress” officially put herself under house arrest for the remaining week of her probation, following a hit and run incident last week.

- Mark your calendars: April 30, 2012 is the date of the first commercial space flight launch. Spring Break 2013 anyone??

Tues 3/20

- Careful with that swag: it was announced this week that wearing cheap jewelry could pose serious risks to your health. Don’t worry, it’s not like it didn’t already ruin your social life anyway…

- In other health news, researchers released findings on exercise-induced orgasms for women. Treadmills are expected to sell out nationwide by the end of the day.

Wed 3/21

- The drama continues: Jersey Shore juicehead Mike “The Situation” entered a rehab facility for treatment from drugs/alcohol abuse. Apparently Snooki’s not the only one cleaning up their act.

- Rocking the fashion world this week was the surprise ban on “ultra-skinny” models in Israel. Eating is the new black.

Thurs 3/22

- Irrelevant R&B star R. Kelly announced that he will “revisit” Trapped in the Closet series. Also known as a “hip hopera.”

- A new cause for male-patterned baldness was discovered this week, leaving many middle-aged men with the hope of a full head of hair. In the meantime, fix that toupee.

Fri 3/23

- Lizzie McGuire is a mother. That’s right, Hilary Duff and husband Mike Comerie welcomed their first child, son Luca Cruz.

- Preteens at a New Jersey middle school will have to find other ways to break their awkward sexual tension, as the school placed a ban on hugging. Leave room for Jesus!