Three Pumps or It Doesn't Count


fist-01 After two puffs of a bowl and a heavy glass of Pinot Grigio, I was popped the ill-fated question, "what's your number?"

I stared down at my dry hands as I began to hold up my fingers in an effort to calculate "my number". My thoughts began as so, "Well there was freshman year with Sam*. That one time with Max. Then Harry, Andrew and Jake, but I don't really count that time with Jake."

My friends questioned how I could just cross someone off my list and I explained the golden rule: three pumps or it doesn't count. No, I'm not just drawing a fat X through his name because he had a small penis or neglected to text me asking if I got home safe– I'm discounting it because at its raw form (no pun intended), it wasn’t fully sex.

Before we move forward, let's define what sex truly is: the act of penetration. There’s a How I Met Your Mother episode where they carefully but quite obviously allude to sex in regards to visiting the Empire State Building. In the episode, it’s explained that you can’t exactly claim you’ve visited the Empire State Building unless you’ve gone to the top. If you just wander into the lobby for a hot sec, you can’t really cross “going to the Empire State Building” off your bucket list. To really experience the visit, you have to actually experience it… not just poke your head in the lobby.

With that being said, here's a few circumstances for which you can drop a finger down when counting your number.

  1. It's 2am and he's drank way more than he should've. He’s having trouble keeping his pal down South up and at ‘em. People of the world, don’t take this personally. Whisky dick is not your friend… it’s no one’s friend. Listen to me when I say that you’ve done nothing wrong. He could’ve stopped himself after his thirteenth gin and tonic, but for some reason decided he would rather end up in this hell hole. It’s his body not listening to his mind. You’re still great, his penis just won’t be able to realize it at this unfortunate moment in time. If he keeps it up for three thrusts, you can keep a finger up while counting. But if he doesn’t cross that threshold, he really didn’t get far enough where it’s the real deal.
  1. Someone has to go pee and everything goes downhill from there. I get it, it happens to all of us. Whether you drank too much Oprah Chai Tea from Starbucks or just really gotta go, it definitely slows down your engine and takes you out of the moment. #Badvibes or what?
  1. When someone gets a nosebleed in the middle of things. You’ve been making out for almost 20 minutes and there’s been quite some foreplay… but all is lost once he needs to squeeze his nose and use up your entire box of kleenex while simultaneously hoping his boner doesn’t disappear on him.
  1. When your dog interrupts. Yes, this has happened to me. Puppies are cute and the most loyal friends. But when you’re having doggy style, the last thing you really want is a dog jumping in the bed with you. Trust me, I’ve been there and it’s the definition of a buzzkill… especially when the guy decides he would rather cuddle with his dog and leave you hanging.
  1. When your lady parts aren’t ready for the action. Sometimes people forget that sharing is caring and that you should take care of your lady a bit before you get on with it. If she’s not ready, there’s no use… unless you consider just the tip going in as sex? Which frankly doesn’t really count.According to Brown University:

    On average, it takes women 10-20 minutes to reach orgasm. Men reach orgasm after 7-14 minutes overall, but average two to three minutes after beginning intercourse.

    With that in mind, women need a bit more attention than males on average. Before you throw on a condom, make sure she’s ready too. If foreplay doesn’t crack the case, try experimenting with lube. That will save her from her woes, and you’ll be able to give yourself a nice pat on the back as well… and make it count.

Don’t be embarrassed if you’re sexual endeavors for the evening don’t exactly work out. And don’t feel ashamed if nothing comes to fruition– just hope they want to give it another go and you can make up for your lack of performance during take two. It’s completely normal for obstacles to pop up on the road to Neverland, so just know you’re only human, and that’s alright. But maybe be a decent human and text them they got home safe. And add a nice emoji if you want a golden star.

*Names have been changed to protect my well-being and general sanity.