What the Presidential Candidates Would Have Majored in At SU
We’re one year away from the 2016 presidential election and almost everything I know about the candidates has come from Saturday Night Live. Upon my research, I’ve realized I only really need to look into about half the candidates because the other half are pretty irrelevant and will probably drop out of the race soon—R.I.P. In the midst of the upcoming election, I've began to wonder what will happen next to the sad souls who drop out of the race.
Do they go back to their daily lives of mundane errands? I can picture the headline of People already… "Candidates: they’re just like us" (except they’re in the running to become the most powerful individual in the country). Thanks to Uncle Ben, we know that with power comes great responsibility. But, thanks to Schoolhouse Rock, we also know that knowledge is power. If the candidates were to come to Syracuse University in search of their power, here is where they’d each find it.
Hillary Clinton
Major: Women and Gender Studies
Minor: iSchool
When asked, most people say they’ll vote for Hill because she’s a woman and it's 2015 and blah blah blah. With high interest of women’s rights and whatnot, she’ll study feminist theories and learn to challenge political and societal hierarchies. She has the benefit of already being a well-known candidate, so she really can just do whatever she wants. She’ll have Bill, her husband, take a class with her as a PR stunt but she secretly hope he’s learning something. He’ll end up relying on Hillary for lecture notes and cheat off of her on the final.
Hill minors in the iSchool and ends up becoming pretty tech-savvy. She learns about e-mail security and creates her own private server that can delete up to 32,000 e-mails at a moments notice.
Ben Carson
Major: History
Minor: Psychology
Carson’s ability to compare events throughout history to today’s topics of conversation stems from all he’s learned as a history major. The major inspired him to run for president because he sees that history can indeed repeat itself. While learning about slavery, Carson realizes ObamaCare is still the worst thing to happen to our country. In addition, he also realizes that because there is not much anybody can do with a history major, he might as well use his degree to run for president. Carson becomes so enthralled with history that he decides to set our country back a few years on marriage equality, stating that marriage is by definition between a man and a woman.
He will minor in psychology to obtain a more clear understanding of sexuality. Carson concludes that being gay is obviously a choice because people who go into prison straight come out tend to come out gay.
Chris Christie
Major: Nutrition
Minor: Engineering
After consuming a few too many Italian subs, this New Jersey native grew very concerned for his health. In result, so decides to major in nutrition. He also fears his excessive road trips to WaWa and local delicatessens may be contributing directly to global warming, so he searches for fossil fuel alternatives to help solve the climate change issue. Pursuing his involvement with transportation, he takes up a minor in engineering and finds a particular fascination with bridges.
Donald Trump
Major: Real Estate Management
Minor: PR
Obviously. Trump naturally majored in Real Estate Management here at SU not only because he is the richest businessman in the country but also because he doesn’t shut the fuck up about it. Like students in Whitman and Newhouse, talking about their work is half the battle of actually getting it done. After years in the business industry and publicizing his achievements, he worries that he's fallen off the radar. Using what he's learned from his minor, he pulls a PR stunt and runs for president in an attempt to stay as relevant as his hair.
Bernie Sanders
Major: Philosophy
Minor: Agriculture
A mainstream major for a mainstream kind of guy. He understands issues and the root of the problems, mostly because he was around when these problems began roughly 100+ years ago. He is over hearing about Hillary Clinton’s e-mail scandal because, like everybody’s Jewish grandpa, he just doesn’t understand e-mail or texting. Philosophy offers him the insight he needs and allows him to acknowledge the fact that he is not a math or science guy. Economics and global warming issues are far too confusing.
While studying philosophy, he ponders how theorists came up with their theories. He does a little research and discovers it is very likely most philosophers were high at the time. Intrigued, he tries marijuana and has a breakthrough. He minors in agriculture and cultivates cannabis in a pot in his dorm room. DPS knocks on Bernie’s door when they smell something funky (he forgot to put a towel under the door). And just like that, marijuana is legalized.
All remaining candidates are SUNY-ESF students because they’re irrelevant.
Honorable mention:
Mike Huckabee: standing on Marshall Street somewhere.
Not necessarily majoring in anything at Syracuse, he spreads awareness of Christianity with the fellow "protesters" on Marshall St, with a megaphone in one hand and pamphlets in the other. Sporting a sandwich board sign, you might confuse him for a fashion design major. Occasionally his good friends the Duggars pay him a visit and check on his achievements.