The Five Dreaded People You See Over Thanksgiving Break

thanksgiving-01 ‘Twas the night before Thanksgiving, when all through the town,

every person was drinking, not one would turn down.

Kids home from college to visit Mom and Dad,

but really hoping they won’t run into Brad.

Seeing people from high school is the absolute worst,

teachers, parents and that guy who was your first.

But take extra precaution to stay far away,

from these ghosts of your past who will ruin your day.

1. Your Ex

Maybe you still occasionally bang, maybe you hate her guts, or maybe you’re one drunken night away from professing your undying love to him after listening to Adele’s new single on repeat for a week straight. Regardless of your situation, you should sleep soundly in your childhood twin bed this week knowing that his new girlfriend probably takes mirror pics and her new boyfriend might have erectile dysfunction. Ignore your ex’s predictable “let’s meet up for coffee” text and just pray he got fat when you see him at the bar.

2. That Random Kid From English Class

This fuckin’ guy. He’s everywhere. You had second period together junior year, can’t even remember his name, and your deepest conversation involved a Hamlet quiz that you both failed. He never made it out of your town and is utterly unavoidable every time you’re home. You go to the dentist and he’s in the waiting room. You go grocery shopping and he’s your cashier. You go to the bar and find him in the bathroom. It’s unbearably awkward every time because it’s been four years since you borrowed his pen and you don’t know if he remembers you (or the fact that you didn’t return the pen) so you always give a forced, half-smile of recognition that ends up looking like you simply have to shit.

3. Your former BFF’s mom

You were two peas in a pod. You have her garage code memorized, she knows you wet the bed until middle school, and you ate dinner at her house more often than at your own. Then she blew your ex-boyfriend the summer before college. Friendship over. Her mom will probably corner you in the dairy aisle on Thanksgiving morning when you’re both picking up some last minute eggnog. She’ll gush over how great you look, make an offhand comment about something she saw on your Facebook, and eventually ask why you never come around anymore. Because duh, Ashley definitely did not divulge the real reason you two stopped having sleepovers. Put on your best grimace smile, say how busy you’ve been, and try not to scream, “your daughter is a raging slut monster.”

4. The Girl You Hate

She was your arch nemesis. From who had the best sweet sixteen to who looked better at prom, you were in an unspoken competition for four long years. Now you honestly can’t even remember why you hate her, but just seeing this bitch’s face still ignites a fiery rage of fury buried deep inside of you. Take the high road and ignore the death glares she and her squad are sending you from across your hometown bar. Or, you could pull the adult version of Mia Thermopolis “coning” Lana. Order a cranberry vodka, strut up to this girl as “What Do You Mean” by Justin Bieber plays in the background, and pour your drink over her stupid, Keratin-treated head. (May or may not have just described a high school fantasy of mine.)

5. Your Old Teacher

This sweet old woman taught you everything from the fifty states to multiplication. She obviously recognizes you ten years later because that’s a weird, mystical power that’s listed in the job description for all elementary school teachers. Even though you loved Mrs. P., talking about college and your career aspirations always feels like she thinks you wasted the potential you had as a fifth grader. You can see it in her eyes; she’s congratulating you on making the Dean’s list but really she’s thinking, “I know you’ve done anal.”

Have fun next week… and good luck.