A Breakdown of What Really Happens in Dorm Lounges

Hey, remember that time when your friend walked into 8 a.m. Spanish and recounted how her dorm had a fire drill the previous night because somebody thought it’d be a good idea to place a wet T-Shirt in the lounge microwave to warm it up? You don’t, because that kind of thinking evolves into the next revolutionary shitfest before the t-shirt is even done crisping up. There’s no end to the spectacular shenanigans that happen in the absence of parental supervision and in the presence of a brain that’s operating without parole. You definitely have reasonable cause to evaluate your average peers intelligence again, if someone with a brain painfully similar to yours thinks it is an excellent idea for a t-shirt to chill at 800 watts, used by about 80 people.

Dorm lounges: what the university administration sees as a common area to work and have community experiences, we see occasionally as a Playboy mansion. What they see as couches, we see as launch pads. What they see as tables, we see as stages. And what they see as microwaves, we apparently see as a heavy-duty dryers for the mentally handicapped.

Clearly, the ratio of student creativity to DPS’ and an RA’s combined abilities is a fun one to calculate… if, you know, your brain isn’t a weed-addled mush that’s trying hard to pay attention to ABC Family in the lounge. While dorm lounges certainly get their fair share of group studying, innocent fun, and TV binges, that’s all just in daylight savings hours when children under the age of 13 can be witnesses. Here’s what can happen and has happened, during darker hours.

• When you have to slash the couch open to dig out your iPhone: iPhone: 1, FixIt: 0.
• When you’re drunk as hell and have to walk through the glass door of the lounge. (There’s even a slight indent of a human nose on it). ENT Doctors: 1, cracked nose: 0.
• When you’re channeling your inner Beyoncé and absolutely have to practice your gymnastics routine – which means playing Launchpad and toppling over the couch. Five times. Athletic fitness: 1, couch: 0.
• When you miss being fabulous and storm to the TV playing High School Musical reruns. Was that an earthquake? Middle School: 1, College and Adult-ing: 0.
• When you suddenly turn into a legit criminal and wave knives around like they’re confetti. Not cool for any kind of drunk. Everybody who did this: 0.
• When you miss the very first place you called home and get decked out in a bib and diapers. A bib and diapers…only. 4^th Best Costume Award: 1, babies everywhere: 0.
• When you bring your dog to the lounge and she absolutely only gravitates toward guys. You little slut, you. Guys: 1, Girls: 0.
• When you’re feeling frisky and your room is occupied by the roommate… need I say more? Let’s just hope there were NO witnesses. PDA: 1, the couch that was hopefully cleaned the next day: 0.
• When someone takes a dive from the third floor… and somehow lands on the first floor, and not the ground. We in the lounge like to challenge physics sometimes, at the risk of life. Out of the box thinkers: 1, Physics: 0.
• When you need to remove wrinkles from your clothes ASAP, and you settle your iron box over the heaters. This may just turn out as a productive experiment, since the iron box has living on the heater for days now and hasn’t pissed any fire alarms off. Well-ironed clothes: 1, person about to lose an iron box: 0.

This is obviously a potentially never-ending list (my RA was worried I’d get ideas so she has declined from adding to this list), but sadly for my judgmental personality, I have been here only for two months. I don’t even have to hope that someone will leave their IQ behind soon… or leave something incredibly random like a shoe in the dorm microwave, because that shit will happen. And the world will eventually find out, thanks to people who have addictive Snapchats obsessions and not to mention, 8 a.m. Spanish.