How To Spot A Fuckboy
Here we see a fuckboy in his natural habitat… stalking his prey, asking for nudes, buying XL condoms that he most certainly does not need. The fuckboy is an emerging species, baffling the scientific community and the rest of mankind.
Here are a few warning signs to keep in mind, in the event that you find one yourself.
- Constantly ditching you for his "boys." Newsflash “The Boys” suck almost (if not just) as much as the actual fuckboy. Having friends outside of a relationship is important and very healthy, but what is not okay is constantly ditching plans for him to go play Fifa with his friends. Fifa < Boobs.
- He's begging you to “send nudes." Fuckboys need nude pictures to survive, it is their main form of sustenance. A tasteful nude sent to someone you’re hooking up with can be empowering and sexy. Fuckboys basically come out of the womb asking for some girl to take time out of her busy day to send nudes. You don’t deserve to see the goods in person, let alone receive a picture of them.
- They're all about the dick pics. Even worse than scenario number two. Why would you ever think someone needed a picture of your penis? Why would you think, “yes, this thing I have in between my legs is so attractive, I must capture the beauty of it with the age old art of photography.” I’m going to hit you with some a cold hard fact here—no one wants a dick pic. It is unsettling and chances are seeing it in person has forever burned the image of it into their brains. Forever.
- They're prone to cheating. Fuckboys love to cheat. They’ve already tricked one unassuming girl into thinking they’re not a trash person, now they’ve wrangled in another?
- They rarely, if ever, reciprocate. Going down on someone should always be reciprocated. Its just good manners, people. Anyone who hits you with, “I don’t really go down on girls” or “I guess I could make an exception just for you” when it comes to oral sex is a fuckboy. Obviously respecting peoples boundaries is vital while hooking up, but if someone just stuck your genitals in their mouth, it is polite to do the same.
- They may or may not be a misogynist. This is the telltale sign of a fuckboy—he can’t see you as an equal. A “meninist” is a fuckboy. Anyone who still makes “go make me a sandwich” jokes is a fuckboy. Anyone who thinks you are less capable because of your gender is a huge fuckin’ fuckboy. Steer clear.
Hopefully these people will never reproduce and this emerging species can go away and finally give this world some peace and quiet. Let's make the fuckboy an endangered species. Who's up for it?