An Honest Breakdown Of A Typical (Freshmen) Night On Campus
Photo by Adham Elsharkawi
It’s Friday morning, and once again, you’ve somehow completed the Monday throughThursday stretch. And soon enough, it’s Friday evening. Time to clear up all the blemishes that Monday left, wash all the dirt out of Tuesday, hunt for the lip gloss you lost on Wednesday, and desperately shave all the gross shit out of Thursday. So when Friday night finally arrives, it's time to focus on the important things.
6 P.M: It is time to exit the premises of the library, and leave all your freshman vibes to rot there for the weekend. You’re already humming Katy Perry’s “Last Friday Night” and jotting down the lyrics on your bucket list for this Friday night as you jog back up the Mount to lose maybe 1/34th of a pound and grab some quick grub.
7 P.M: If you think getting ready begins when you step into the shower, you still have no idea how to get ready. It starts with the careful selection of dinner, and dietary strategies aimed at NOT looking like Mr. Potato Head but still consuming something substantial, you know, so you don’t die. If you’re not careful, you’ll bloat up after one slice of pizza, so choose wisely.
8 P.M: There’s a rave party happening at the bathrooms as everyone turns up their music and turns down for what lies behind the shower curtains and in front of the mirrors. Then everyone suddenly turns into a congenial Good Samaritan as they help fix Brianna’s hair and pass around moisturizer like popcorn.
8.30 PM: Where is the blowdryer?
9 P.M: What am I going to wear and why is everything making me look like a box?
9.45 P.M: Time to jam to The Weeknd and soulfully practice your moves as you peel off your face mask and bring out the make-up. All those MAT 284 classes begin to pay off as you finally reach the tasteful ratio of eye-shadow, eyeliner, and mascara.
10 PM: You then find yourself sitting all dolled up at your desk watching Netflix, playing it cool while your phone explodes with text messages from that sophomore who pretended to be a senior last weekend. Spoiler alert: he’s a freshman too.
10.30 PM: Pre-game. Pre-game. Pre-game. (But hide the shot glasses immediately in fear of spontaneous room checks.)
11 PM The night is at its youngest and the crop tops at their shortest. You gather the squad, send the Snapchats right away (who knows if you’ll still look on fleek at 1 AM), and leave your lanyard in your room, which is where it belongs on a Friday night.
Now, since this article is in fact freshmen-focused, I wouldn’t be doing my job if I didn’t cover the things that only happen to freshmen at night. I did my research and asked every freshman (well, the ones I was brave enough to talk to) what they thought was the biggest cock-blocker on a Friday night. You can consider me an expert considering I spoke to approximately seven freshmen out of the 3,000 on campus.
The Struggle: Not knowing where to go. And ending up at DJ’s on Marshall Street.
Solution: Nil. Seems like it’s the only option for us at this point in our collegiate social careers.
The Struggle: The hike to civilization. If you live in Day/Flint or BBB, you’re almost definitely a freshman and you definitely feel me. Getting up and down those stairs with your Jimmy Choo's or CL boots is the realist struggle out there. The stairs are just asking for too much when you can barely stay vertical.
Stuggle: Losing the squad. Can I just say that this is one of the most terrifying things that can happen to a freshman? One minute, Fight Night is playing and everyone is all pumped up, and the next, your friends evaporate into thin air. Like, girl, that fake junior’s number in my phone stayed with me longer than you did.
Solution: Make new friends with a person who isn’t a walking bottle or a vomiting one at that.
The Struggle: DPS. No Friday night is complete without the wailing sirens of overly concerned DPS officers chasing down freshman who are honestly as lost as they are. In the effort of trying to shut parties down, officers just end up awkwardly staring at us just trying to cross the street.
Solution: Make friends with DPS. They drop you back home when you forget what the road looks like and what time-zone you are in. But it may be better to keep some of that to yourself.
The Struggle: Finding the right person, with the right ID. Finding this shot-caller is about all that your functioning brain can offer to your social life on Fridays. As an outgoing freshman, this is a task you must complete within five to sevens days of your arrival.
Solution: Get to know someone who knows someone who knows someone. Basically, save everyone’s numbers, even creepy Brian’s.
Alternative: Lie like crazy.
Struggle: The guy to girl ratio. So apparently, your squad numbers have to be carefully planned prior to the partying. Too many guys in the group? “Hey, Ben, can you find another girl to come with us even though we’ve only met her zero times and know nothing about her?” Too many girls? No problem, you’re absolutely fine.
Solution: Ben knows.
There are plently of things that could’ve happened last Friday night, but as freshman stagger back up the Mount on Saturday morning, no one seems to feel like talking about them. Why? Odds are their student IDs are still on on their freshman lanyards... back in their room… and they are officially locked the fuck out of their own home.