The "Unmentionables:" Sex Noises That No One Wants To Talk About

Photo by Adham Elsharkawi

Weird sounds, weird faces… sex is weird.

What was that sound? Well friends, it was my vagina. While sex is a beautiful and an awesome part of life, the noises it can produce also make it superbly awkward. You’re naked with another person, pushing and pulling your body parts inside of various holes—at some point things are bound to get tricky, sticky, or all of the above.

If you're under the impression that sex is supposed to be flawless, you're very, very wrong. There are a whole lot of uncomfy things that can happen when you're "making love," and even though we absolutely hate to address, we have to acknowledge their existence.

Let's break down all the terrifying noises that come with sex.

1. When the silence is deafening. There is nothing worse then when there is no music or any background noise for that matter. Imagine it now—the only thing you and your partner are listening to is the sound of human body parts mashing against each other. I mean seriously? Are there not even crickets chirping somewhere in the distance? While some may consider this kind of quiet to be intimate, it is most definitely too intimate for a hookup or a new couple. Try taking a break before the clothes come off and putting on some sexy jams. The Weeknd, anyone?
2. When your body betrays you. Sometimes our greatest enemies are our own bodies. Getting caught up in the heat of the moment can surprise even the most cool, calm, and collected of lovers. Perhaps you were attempting to let out a sensual moan but it sounded more like a dying animal. What abut that time you queefed and it sounded like a fart? Or that time you actually farted. Either way, laugh it off. No need to dwell on your freaky noises.
3. When the dirty talk is just not doing it for you. Dirty talk can be an amazing way to spice things up, but it can also destroy the mood. For example, yelling, “spit on my dick, naughty girl” the first time you hook up with someone might be a bit much. If someone crosses the line with what they consider “dirty talk,” just laugh in their face. Sure, it’ll embarrass them, but they’ll be too mortified to try it again. If you’re the offender… I’m sorry, but give it some thought.
4. Oral never sounds pretty. They'' always be slurping and gagging, but it comes with the territory. Deal with it and move on.
5. When someone is being a little over the top. Some people get a little… overdramatic. I mean if it's good, it's good… but don’t do anyone any favors with an operatic performance if it's actually just eh. Faking it is really only hurting one person (yourself).
6. When something is really working for the other person. For starters, lets have a round of applause for the people who consistently hit the right spot. You might be a little distracted while you’re doing your thing, but rest assured, if they sound like a wounded animal, you’re doing something right. If you’re still unsure, look for "the face." You'll know it when you see it.

At the end of the day, we're all human beings. We're bound to make mistakes, and possibly a couple queefs. But hey, better to sex and queef than not to sex at all, right?