A ? Can’t Even With Apple’s Keyboard Glitch

If you have any type of cell phone other than an iPhone, stop reading unless you want a good laugh at the expense of Apple product users, in which case you probably won’t stop reading.

Welcome to the brink of 2018, where A ? means “I” to the entire fucking universe. The iOS-using members of the human race have successfully trained (retrained?) themselves to register A ? as “I” in a matter of two weeks.

Sure, at first the glitch felt more frustrating than seeing an ex while swiping on Tinder, but we slowly complied, and eventually grew used to it. We adapted to Apple’s gibberish as if a natural means of survival; in other words, a necessary adaptation for modern literacy. If the iPhone X’s creepy facial recognition feature isn’t enough evidence that Apple is subtly training us to enlist in their army of cyborgs, this meddling with the alphabet certainly is.

Think about it: the glitch begs us to refer to ourselves as “me” or in the third person. Me is convinced this is a textbook conspiracy. Who the hell speaks like that? Robots. Robots speak like that. That’s who. It’s quite literally our worst nightmare of living in a Black Mirror episode realized. We were all thinking sexting would be the end of the world, when it turns out plain old texting is the true pitfall of humanity. We’ve been turned into puppets, folks.

Enough with the social experiment, Apple. We’re on to you. You’ve had your fun, but one too many people have texted someone to announce they loved them for the first time this weekend and, instead, it came out as "A ? love you.” You ruined all of their chances of getting laid… real smooth. A 1999 Nokia would be a better wingman. And while the misfortunate romancers will recover eventually —no thanks to you—  our impressionable youth might not. The moment preschool teachers begin reciting the ABCs as “ABCDEFGH A ? JKLMNOPQRSTUVWXYZ,” your existential test will have buried our future in deep shit.

But before you smash your fancy new iPhone 8 or X against the equally-as-overpriced promenade, it seems Apple is resolving the glitch so we won’t, in fact, be stuck in the A ? purgatory forever. If you simply cannot with the bug any longer, you can download a third-party keyboard or google “how to make a shortcut,” or whatever. Or just call people. Might as well get as much free-willed social interaction in before we all complete our metamorphosis into androids, no pun intended.

In the meantime, all we can do is wait and see what twisted game Apple plays with our yielding little minds next.