College Bro Breakdown
The Boys of SU
I have to say Waffs McButter’s depiction of women at Syracuse University on Brobible.com was spot on, but since when do guys ever get the last word? Never.
You’re supposed to be ashamed to admit it but I know I wasn’t the only one smirking behind my computer screen. Apparently BJs aren’t just a popular major at Syracuse, but also a major part of sealing the deal on any random Friday night. But now, the tables have turned, and it’s our turn to shine some light on the kind of guys we’re working with here.
The Syracuse Bro breaks down into six different types: 1. The Pampered Bro: Walking down University Avenue, you can spot this Bro by the popped collar on his wrinkled polo, looking like the prepster he is. Oh, and please try not to step on his boat shoes.
2. The Hipster Bro: Dark skinny jeans? Bright colored dunks? Flannel? Check, check, and check. This Bro is heading back to Euclid after class, ready to meet up with the band, consisting of the guys he met on Sadler 3 freshman year. So bro.
3. The Juiced Bro: Have you ever thought to yourself, “Oh, these guys must be heading to the Dome for a game?” Nope, that’s what he normally looks like. This Bro reps his Syracuse apparel hard, whether it’s on the way to the gym for a quick workout, fist-pumping down Comstock, or waiting to pick up his Wings order. He’s either sporting a sweatshirt with SU in bright orange on the front or he’s showing off his Greek letters. With this guy, you should stay on the safe side. Don’t talk shit about SU in front of him because he’s ready to defend his school at the drop of his backwards SU hat.
4. The Suited Up Bro: Career day? Think again. If you see a man, well dressed, resume in hand, the fourth Bro is probably a Newhouse or Whitman Bro, trying to trap you into taking his EEE survey or interview you for his BJ assignment. Or it could just be Jon Barnhart.
5. The Long Island Bro: The fifth Bro looks like he hasn’t showered in days, but it probably took him hours to get his hair to look that way. He’s dressed in dark jeans, an American Apparel V-Neck, and sporting UGG slippers. Need a ride to Carousel Mall? This Bro is carrying the keys to the Benz.
6. The Tree-Loving Bro: And the last, while not technically a Syracuse University student, finds himself on our campus anyway: the ESF Bro. He’s either sporting some serious facial hair or spreading the message of world peace with his hemp jeans and Birks, even in January. An integral part of the Syracuse social scene, he’ll be partying with the rest of us, that is, unless the Wildlife Club has a conference that weekend.
What the Syracuse Bro is lacking in height, (many claiming that the average height amounts to a dismal 5’9”) they make up in other ways. The Syracuse Bros aren't fronting. They are packing the heat, according to the throngs of girls who will attest to this. “They’re well-endowed and have the skills to make your toes curl,” one girl’s testimonial said. And Syracuse’s girls aren’t the only ones willing to go down – it’s a reciprocal relationship.
The Bros are willing to go down, and most of the times you don’t have to even ask. One thing is for sure though, after a wild night, these Bros must be released back into the Syracuse Arctic Tundra. Don’t bother checking your phone after you get out of the shower; there isn’t going to be a text message waiting.
Ke$ha would be proud of the blackout messes Syracuse guys tend to be on any given night of the week. Hours of beer pong, flip cup, and funneling will do that to a Bro because every hour is Power Hour. Not only will you have to battle the techno beats and house music playing at ear-splitting levels, but you’ll always have to get past the intense conversation this Bro is having with his fellow Bros. Sometimes Bro-ing out takes priority over…well, just about anything.
Hotness: B/B- Willingness to Fuck (DTF): A++++ Alcohol Consumption: A Intelligence: B- Chillness: B Maintenance Level: B+ Dateable: F Marriage Material: C