Grab Your Last Shot at a College Sex Life
As a senior you’re probably starting to do things differently; drink more, go to class less, drink even more, avoid questions about your future, have a couple mental breakdowns and then grab another drink. It’s exciting being so mature and having so much knowledge with you as you plunge into unemployment! Through all this excitement about how many different ways you can fail, your sex life may have taken a back seat. It used to be the driving force in your life. All actions and words were to reach that fabulous point of sexy time. But now you’re close to being a “real person,” your one-night stands are met with looks of pity instead of high-fives, you realize STD’s are not a myth, and you know more than five people who are engaged. When the fuck did this happen?
Having only months left till the imploding of your life (I mean beginning!) it’s time to take back your sex life. But where to begin? Who to bang and who not to bang? To start you have to get in the right mindset. You are no longer the quiet and happy sexual fairy that awaits coitus to fall into your lap as it once did. You know what you want. Why all of the sudden am I a sexual god or goddess you ask? Let’s look at the odds.
First of all, you are amongst the oldest on campus. Essentially an ancestral being. It takes a good hour-long Facebook stalk to uncover your prom photos in which you are unrecognizable both due to exhaustion and weight gain. You speed through school zones not because you’re a reckless driver but because you genuinely forgot high schools exist. Your hangovers are an aggressive beast that don’t leave your soul until you are only left with pure regret and an inbox full of unread emails.
It’s hard being old. But what’s harder is the youthful counterparts to your elderly existence. Children that knock back Svedka, Smirnoff and UV Blue all while maintaining a six pack and wake up feeling refreshed. The competition is fierce and you are definitely not on equal playing fields. This is when you may realize you cannot actually compete with the youths nor do you have the desire. You have to find another senior citizen because frankly, you can’t keep up.
So the second semester of senior year has probably been a sad, repeated cycle of heading to Chucks (#RIP) or Faegans, or probably both, in the search of an elderly pal who you can engage in pleasant conversation. Unfortunately, life on this campus is full of irony. Each time you enter the bar, you see at least three ex-hookups, a few one-night-stands, and a couple of friends’ ex’s. It’s probably also safe to say that you’ve had a drink spilled on you by that kid you hate in a group project three years ago, and some fratty alumns tried to pretend they were not suffering a crippling depression and attempting to relive their glory days. The opportunities are endless in the worst ways. So where to turn, where to go?
This is why you must channel your inner SheWolf. Think about what you want. Is it that person you’ve been eyeing since your Watson Hall days? The hot bartender at Faegans? Your irresistibly sexy professor? It’s time to make moves and when better to than right now? Act like the world is ending (because let’s face it—it is) and take some risks. Buy someone a drink, send a flirty Tinder message, pull someone up on the table to dance with you. Be bold. The worst that could happen is a rejection, and you’ve already been getting plenty of those from future employers anyway.
The important thing to remember when fucking your way through the final weeks of college is to do it for yourself. If there’s one thing college has taught us, it’s to be selfish, and that the world revolves around us. Keep that mentality with you as you experience some failures, face your fears and conquer all your sexual fantasies. See you at graduation, hoes.