How to Bullshit Your Way Through Giving Your Friends Advice
The real reason that they don’t ask for my opinion is because I don’t know what advice to give them… It’s just that most of the time, they've noticed that I stopped listening to them a minute or two ago.
But when one of my friends hits me with the, “Can I ask your advice on something?” I pause the TV, say, “Sure,” then nod my head and pretend to listen to whatever they are talking about.
When they eventually shut up about whatever is bothering them and it’s finally my turn to speak, I always try to spit words of wisdom (even though I have no idea what I’m giving advice on). So I’ve come up with go-to phrases that help me bullshit my way through giving advice (because this is easier than actually listening).
If you ever find yourself trying to give advice on something you have no idea what you’re giving advice on, remain calm and don’t panic. Here are some phrases to help you get through it without a long pause or a “Wait, can you repeat that?”
“The same thing happened to one of my friends and it worked out for her!”
“I feel you.”
“It’s not your fault, believe me! I’m your friend and I would tell you if it was.”
“I honestly don’t understand why bad things happen to good people.”
“I CANNOT believe that happened. I’m so upset for you right now. I can’t even speak.”
“Don’t worry, that kind of stuff usually works itself out.”
“He’s an asshole who doesn’t deserve you AND he’s not even that cute.”
“She’s such a bitch. I mean, I could tell the first time I met her that there was something wrong with her. I could see hint of crazy in her eyes.”
*Checks phone* “Wait, I’m so sorry for doing this, but I have to go. My mom just texted me and said she needs me to call her right away.”
Advice like this never fails. Keep it vague and keep it short. 9 times out of 10, your friend will never realize that you were picturing a cat wearing a sombrero that you saw in a meme earlier that day while she was explaining to you why she broke up with her BF. And honestly if the advice isn’t that helpful you know that no matter what you say to her, even if what you say is more inspirational then one of Kanye’s rants on Twitter, she is already planning on FaceTiming eight of her other friends to see what they have to say. So it’s all good, no need to waste your time listening to your friends. You probably have better stuff to do.