The Many Reasons to be Pissed About Luke Bryan Coming to the Carrier Dome

https://instagram.com/p/8vhgSwrsGB/ After Billy Joel’s concert in the Carrier Dome last year, I had high hopes for an even bigger concert this year. Which icon would be next? Paul McCartney? Beyoncé? Needless to say, Luke Bryan’s announcement of his spring tour dates included Syracuse’s own Carrier Dome on April 9, 2016 left me feeling underwhelmed. Please join me as I list the top ten reasons why this concert announcement is even more of a disappointment than The Weeknd not showing up for Juice Jam.

All country music sounds the same.

What is the difference between Luke Bryan, Brad Paisley and Blake Shelton? Essentially nothing—aside from their names (which are all kind of seem eerily similar anyways). I mean honestly, even their voices sound identical. Not to mention the fact that the subject matter of all their songs revolve around beer, trucks, tractors and our savior—The Lord Almighty. Case in point: country music is neither special nor original.

Country just isn’t Syracuse’s style.

Think of the artists that come for Juice Jam and Mayfest. Think of the songs that get you amped at parties. If Luke Bryan came to mind for either of those scenarios, do you even go here? Maybe if we were the type of school that celebrates in a cornfield on a Friday night or celebrates Cornfest instead of Mayfest, we could justify bringing Luke Bryan here. Half of the school is from Long Island for heavens sake. While I think we could chug a beer like the best of ‘em, our lifestyle here at ‘Cuse is just a tad too lively for the country scene. We require a more upbeat taste in music to match (i.e. rap, hip-hop, EDM… anything but country music).

There are so many other genres that are more of a crowd-pleaser than country.

I understand that there probably are members of the Syracuse community that really enjoy country music and think Luke Bryan is a babe. In fact, they probably live, breathe and die for it. But that is the problem with country music—you’re either obsessed with it, or you’d rather cut your ears off than listen to it. Most other genres at least have an in-between. For example, your favorite genre of music might be rap, but you appreciate a good rock song now and then. You would be likely to attend a concert for a big-name rock band if said band were to conveniently perform at the Carrier Dome. Hence, a larger and more diverse crowd would attend, and more people of the Syracuse community would be satisfied.

We’ve done better.

The man, the myth, the legend, Mr. William Martin Joel, performed in the Carrier Dome just this past March. How can we go from the man who created masterpieces such as “Piano Man” and “Uptown Girl” to some beer-guzzling country singer? Can anyone even name five of Luke Bryan songs? This is a downgrade if I’ve ever seen one, people. Our beloved Dome deserves better.

We live above the Mason-Dixon Line.

So far above, in fact, that this is basically Canada. So why are we trying to pretend we’re in South right now? This is an identity crisis if I’ve ever seen one before. Are we forgetting that we live in the snowiest city in America? This is where warm-blooded country music comes to die and never come back again. Luke Bryan and his sounds of eternal summer wouldn’t last a minute up here.

There’s a 97% chance it will still be snowing on April 9th.

For country music to even be remotely tolerable, it needs to be warm outside. How the hell are we supposed to get in the country mood if we can’t roll around in the hay? For those of us who have yet to experience a Syracuse winter, it will most likely still be snowing when Luke Bryan comes on April 9th. Instead of “knee deep in the water somewhere,” we will still be knee deep in the snow here. Country vibe, officially killed.

There is no room for square dancing in the Carrier Dome.

Country concerts are made for drinking beer around and most importantly—line dancing. But as we all know, the aisles of the Carrier Dome are a little tight and don’t provide the necessary room for excessive grooving. Unfortunately for country music lovers, this means that there isn’t enough space to do the square dancing that country music requires. And who wants to go to a concert where no one’s dancing? Not me.

It is clinically proven that country music lyrics make you lose brain cells.

Honestly, how many times can you say “tractor,” “beer, and “Jesus Christ” in a four-minute period? Where is the lyricism? Can country artists even define lyricism? Let me know.

People will come to hear “Cruise” and take arms when they realize that’s not Luke Bryan’s song.

That awkward moment when the only relevant country song is not by the person you thought. If you were considering buying tickets, please note that you will not be rolling your windows down and cruising that evening. That is Florida Georgia Line (Google: Another Shitty Country Artist).

Luke Bryan is probably a Duke fan.

I mean, he’s from Georgia, but all southern states are the same, right? Since they’re neighboring states that practically makes it law that they all must stick together (reference: The Confederate Constitution). Since Duke is in the south, Luke Bryan comes from enemy territory. I urge everyone to protest this concert in order to prevent a traitor from entering our sacred Dome.

Here’s to holding out hope that this concert is just a sad April Fools joke.