Jim Gaffigan Schools Us On Milestones, Meals, and How to Be American


CWKjUqI9rmUCfcE2rPkO2abyBwXdI0J1URdmv4nNIsI,gMZr3H2hnOXo6bswzckbkkiM6UO1QWqFk95f7RK8GdQ Put a large gathering of millennials in one place packed next to each other, and you can bet whatever’s happening will probably rely on some sort of alcohol fueled, costumed crowd-surfing component. Surprisingly enough, this wasn’t the case when donut-whisperer, soul-interpreter, and A+ comedian Jim Gaffigan brought a little humor to one of the grayer weekends so far in Syracuse.

If you were too lazy to schlep over to Schine or ended up missing out on tickets completely, let’s just hope your pre-Halloweekend wasn’t a total loss. The sold out show, put on by University Union, was one anyone wouldn’t want to miss. From going out to staying in, guys, Gaffigan gets it.

On milestones: “This is one of the few shirts that still fits me. I don’t know if you’ve had the opportunity to fat out of clothes. That’s a special thing.” There are many mile markers on the road to true adulthood, but you haven’t truly grown until you’ve experienced what it feels like to literally fat out of your clothes. Sure, you’ll hold onto them just in case, but we all know the reality of the situation. Large, in charge, and questioning everything about the crop tops you had no business bringing to college in the first place.

On quitting: “You want to feel accomplished. It’s like ‘you ran a 10K, I finished Breaking Bad.’” If the phrase “one more season” sounds familiar, it’s probably because you’ve whispered it to yourself late at night, well into your 400th episode of Law & Order. Your screwed up priorities have snowballed into a shared way of life, but you’ll never quit. Why? Because you’re a goddamn American.


On looks: “The eyebrow thing, that’s on you ladies... It’s like ‘I want to look constantly surprised...' like you’re about to eat a baby.” True beauty is inner beauty, but let’s not go pretending that everything else doesn’t fucking count. Somewhere out there there isn’t a solid 4 and proud of it, but between makeup, hair, and trying to look like #wewokeuplikethis, guys have it easy. The simple takeaway: Don’t have a mullet.

On bars: “We go to bars so we can behave like children, toddlers... If you go to a bar at 2am, you might as well be picking up a kid from nursery school. It’s the same experience.” A pre-schooler and a drunk walk into a room. What do they have in common? It’s not the set-up to some uncomfortably inappropriate, it’s a truth. Random yellowing, urinary misfires, and crying over fishbowls does not a good combination make no matter what age the culprits are.

On Hot Pockets: "I was looking at a box of Hot Pockets and they have a warning on the side. It's like 'Warning: You just bought Hot Pockets. Hope you're drunk or heading home to a trailer.’” Shitty food and brazen belligerence are a love affair as old as higher education itself. We drink, we feast, and we spiral into regret just as quickly, but at least we own it. If its past 2am, happiness will always be hot bread stuffed with cheese, hunger, and mystery meat product that may or may not have a recall on its head.

Photos by Jacob Pirogovsky