Let's Talk About Sex, Baby

Picture this — the clock just struck midnight. You’ve finally found it in yourself to shut your computer, disable your phone, and put it all to rest. Your eyelids feel heavy and you sigh as they come to a gentle close. Your sheets are crisp and the room temperature is utter perfection. You’re not wearing socks, but your toes aren’t cold. Bed has never felt so good.

Suddenly, you hear the front door open and close...and it’s your roommate’s boyfriend. Plot twist! No sleep for you.

Since this is the Real Talk column, after all, let’s be real. The walls in college dorms and apartments are not so thick. There are no secrets. If you drop a pen, your roommate on the other side of the wall will hear it. Which means, yes, he or she will hear everything else.

There’s nothing wrong with being in a college relationship, or, as Snooki would put it, “doing sex.” With that being said, there are certain roomie guidelines to keep in mind if you are having a significant other over for the night.

1. Try to keep it down. Your roommate needs to be able to look your boyfriend or girlfriend in the eyes in the future. They cannot do that if the last thing they heard from him or her was a strained moan.

2. If you share a room with your roommate, don’t have sex when he or she is in the room. It’s super uncomfortable, and can make for a dynamic with no holds barred, which is NOT ideal for anyone sharing a room and many other mutual goods and services.

3. Consider turning on some tunes. Sex noises sound better when the Goo Goo Dolls are on. Oh my God, that’s so not true. Please don’t put the Goo Goo Dolls on.

4. If you have a bed that aggressively slams against the wall every time you move, pull it out a couple of inches. Yeah, I know. I’m a goddamn genius — suck it, Jimmy Neutron.

5. Clean up. I’m sure your roommate would love to know you’re being safe, but he or she does not need to see the exact form of protection you are using.

6. Lock your door. This should be obvious.

On a side note, if you’re sleeping with your roommate, then ignore everything I just said. Go nuts! And don’t worry, I’ll be here to help when it all goes to shit.