No Room For Your Roommate

By Lianna Hursh

Picking the right college is the most important decision you make your senior year of high school. The second most important? Picking a roommate.

Remember those Sour Patch Kids commercials featuring psychopathic gummies cutting off the hair of their beloved owners? Yeah, it’s cute as shit when it’s just candy, but waking up to a human being hovering over your bed with sharp scissors is not quite as comforting. And let’s face it, there are plenty of weirdos out there who are more than willing to watch you sleep.

Even the most “normal”-looking person on Facebook could, behind closed doors, be an obsessive toenail collector. Or worse, they could like cats.

Here are the three most common types of bad roommates—and how to deal with them.

The Stage Five Clinger: They simply will not leave your side. You share the same room, the same air, and at this point he or she is starting to look like you. As far as this roommate is concerned, yes means yes, no means yes, and “stay here” means “you have to come with me.” If you want some breathing space, you’re going to need to make your own life for yourself. Try to make new friends outside your immediate circle; that way, when you leave the room, your roommate isn’t expecting to be included at all times. If they pull a “Wait, where are you going?” upon departure, be as vague as possible. Mumble a bunch of random nothingness: “Uh, I’m just going to do that thing at that place.” Shut the door and pray it stays that way.

The Kleptomaniac: This roommate struggles with differentiating between what is and what is not his or her property. Your sweater is missing for three weeks and you find it in his or her hamper. You put a twenty-dollar bill on your desk this morning and it disappeared into thin air. There are six Greek yogurts in the fridge and you know there were seven last night. Sorry that you’re hungry but this is not Cho-banni, it is mine. If you’re dealing with a kleptomaniac, consider investing in a safe for your valuables and discuss the issue with your roomie. You have a right to be mad.

The Oblivious Roommate: He or she may be a narcissist, or may just be plain rude. You come home and ask how their day has been, and they ramble on for about twenty minutes about how some guy was “like, totally staring at them” while they ate a banana for lunch, and it was “like, so uncomfy.” Don’t worry though! They don’t care about how your day was. Honestly, just try your best to tune them out—some people are lost causes.

As for me, I’m about to vacuum my roommate’s side of the floor so I can ask her for a pickle later without feeling guilty.