Only You Can Prevent Floorcest
If you’re reading this, you’ve successfully survived midterms. But, let’s face it, the worst isn’t over yet: It’s getting painfully cold outside, your roommate’s obnoxiously loud chewing has becoming more irritating than usual, and the idea of trekking across campus to your less-than-satisfying FWB’s dorm is about as appealing as contracting the mumps (no matter how tempting the week of isolation may be.)
So, as you sit in your floor’s lounge pretending to study stats while weighing the pros and cons of stripping as a profession, it’s no surprise when Troy from a few doors down catches your eye on his way back from the gym. You’ve lived down the hall from each other all semester, but suddenly you see his sweaty cut off tank and dad bod in a whole new light, and something inside of you stirs. You wonder why you haven't thought of this earlier—you’ve been dragging yourself all the way to DellPlain in the early hours of the morning for underwhelming sex, when perhaps it’s been right here in Day all along.
Before you start eye-fucking him every time you cross paths until he gets the message that it’s on, don’t be fooled. Floorcest—the act of hooking up with someone who lives on the same floor as you— may be tempting, but it is never, ever worth it. Trust us. We’re here to tell you that no, your love story is not the exception to the rule. Floorcest is an epidemic that is truly frightening and should be avoided at all costs.
If you or someone you know is exhibiting any of these signs, seek out help immediately. It could be a case of ~Floorcest~.
Your standards have dropped dangerously low. You find yourself getting hot and bothered while watching your next-door neighbor drag two months of dirty clothes down to the laundry room. Something about that musky smell has you feeling a type of way — oh wait, that’s not musk, it’s dirty gym clothes and beer-soaked button downs. Close enough, you think to yourself, as you send him a late night “you up?” text anyway.
You leave your dorm building as infrequently as possible, practically never… okay, actually never. You’ve become GrubHub’s most loyal customer and have given up on going to class because the slides are online anyway, so what’s the point? And, with your FWB right down the hall, there’s no reason to brave the cold to hit the bars or frats. Sure, you may not find Mr. Right in the comfort of your dorm, but Mr. Right Here is seeming good enough for now.
Long Term Effects
Inevitable awkwardness. Let’s say your hook up ended badly — maybe you caught feelings while he caught the clap from one of his many other fuck buddies that you didn’t know about. Or, maybe he’s getting a little clingy and you’re starting to feel bad ignoring his knocks on your door while some other guy goes down on you.
Constant reminders of your lapse in judgement. Between thin dorm room walls and mutual friends, everybody knows everyone else’s business. Good luck trying to pretend it never happened — your roommates will be sure to remind you of that time you thought you were in love with the awkward lanky kid who you now hide from in the dining hall. Best case scenario, one of the two of you transfers, and you can begin to put the whole thing behind you... until your group chat reminds you, which they will.
The best way to avoid suffering the effects of Floorcest is to stop it before it even starts. If you catch yourself daydreaming about grabbing your shower flip-flops and joining Troy in the guys’ bathroom for a shared shower rendezvous, abort mission immediately. Go crash on your friends’ floor in a different building for a few nights. It’ll give you a chance to regain your common sense and realize that hooking up with someone who lives closer than a trip to the elevator is just never, ever, a good idea. And even better, your friends’ floormates are fair game…