Honest Sex: If You Don't Speak Up, Don't Complain

Having good sex while remaining absolutely silent the whole time is not exactly possible– and pretty frightening for that matter. It’s no secret that if you want to get real pleasure when in bed, you have to communicate.

Usually, we don’t communicate enough about what we want in bed because we don’t totally trust our partners. It can take months to years to feel like you are completely in the judgment-free zone when in the bedroom with your partner. If you don’t have a main BAE, that conversation can be even harder during a hook-up. The truth is, whether it be your hook-up, your girlfriend or your boyfriend, you have to be honest about your needs with the people you have sex with (if you want it to be good, that is). The sooner you open up about what you want and need in the bedroom, the more likely you will get more pleasure out of sex.

Just plain girl-on-top-guy-on-bottom and guy-on-top-girl-on-bottom, is not the key to unlocking your sex drive. If you’ve always wanted to try doggy-style, ask your partner to try it out. If you don’t like it, at least you’ve tried. If you’re trying this new position and it isn’t working out for you, don’t be afraid to say something. Pausing what you’re doing won’t ruin the mood—you wouldn’t want your partner going through something that they weren’t totally enjoying, would you?

So what if this person is a hook-up? Let’s be real, confessing your personal wants and needs to someone that oh-so-politely guided you up the stairs of a frat house is difficult– you just drunkenly met! There’s a sort of beauty in a one-night-stand (something I thought I’d never say) but that beauty is that if you don’t want this to happen ever again, it doesn’t have to. You might not even see this person again for all you know. That can be an excuse to let loose even more. Plus, who knows if this dude is into the same things that you are.

If you suggest bringing your vibrator along to the party and he rudely denies the invitation, berating you with judgmental slander, screw it.

You know that you left your clothes on the couch and you’re capable of putting them back on and marching back to your own bed. He has no grounds to judge you for asking about something you want, especially because he doesn’t even know you.

So what if this person is your BAE? You guys are (hopefully) going to be having sex for a long time, so make it count. Suggest other interesting bedroom activities to liven things up. The perk of having sex while in a relationship is that you should feel comfortable enough to have open communication about your sexual wants and needs. You can try new things completely free of judgment. If your partner does judge you, you might need to reevaluate your relationship. In all relationships, honesty is the foundation, and being honest in the bedroom is equally important.

As my second grade teacher once said, “Honesty is the best policy.” She was right, and she was also definitely not talking about sex. Yet, the “best policy” concept still applies. You have to be honest with yourself, and with others in order to gain any kind of fulfillment out of your relationships… or, out of sex.