The Ins and Outs of Snapchat
By: Lianna Hursh
Over the past few years, cell phone apps have worked to change the name of the game when it comes to photo communication. Enter Snapchat. Wondering who your true best friends are? Don’t worry. Snapchat easily computes that for you. Simple. You send one Snapchat to Emily, and ten Snapchats to Kelsey—, Kelsey makes the cut. Sorry Emily, sucks to suck.
Want to remind someone you exist without giving them the satisfaction of receiving a text? Easy, Snapchat’s on it. Just snap a quick pic of the sandwich you ate for lunch and add the caption, “going ham.” Oh, and note how long it takes for them to open it. That means something too—, obviously.
Here’s some insight on the various types of Snapchats, and advice on how to respond appropriately.
- The Selfie Snapchat. The classiest Snapchat of all, the Mona Lisa of snaps. Thanks to the iPhone’s reversible camera we can all become the most narcissistic version of ourselves. We can control every detail of a photo, too. Is it a coincidence that three of our chins mysteriously disappear when taking a selfie? I think not. So how do you respond when someone Snapchats you the most beautiful version of themselves? Send them a selfie of you looking your worst. If you’re not in physical pain while posing, you’re doing it wrong.
- The “I Party” Snapchat. We’ve all gotten that Snapchat of a lonely can of beer with the caption “so fucked up rn.” Meanwhile the bottle tab is one hundred percent still in tact, and the only thing fucked up about the person is their clear lack of brain functionality. Here’s the thing about these Snapchats–if you were actually getting that “turnt up,” you wouldn’t spend your time Snapchatting. When you receive one of these, just turn off all the lights in your room and respond with nothing but a black screen and the caption “blacked out, sry wut?”
- The Mass Snapchat. The very vague Snapchat that clearly has been sent to a shit ton of people and reeks of “you are not important”. These are popular among individuals in questionable romantic relationships or power struggles, since they give people hope that they might be special, and then let them know they’re definitely not. Oh, and they’re usually about absolutely nothing. Something along the lines of a picture of a treadmill with the caption “Gym.” Just respond with a picture of your toe— “Toe.”
- The Video Snapchat. This is usually a video of someone’s friends, sent with the intention to prove they hang out with cool people , and are currently having more fun than you are. It’s like, “Jjust so you know, this is who I’m with right now, and it’s not you.” Responding with a Snapchat of your empty room with the caption “same” is usually appropriate.
- Finally, the Snapchat Story. Why share your life with one person when you can share it with three hundred? The name in itself carries a lot of pressure: “My Story.” Honestly, I’d certainly hope the “story” of your life story is not a thirty-second montage of you eating an entire pint of ice cream using nothing but chop sticks. When it comes to your Snapchat story, I have very simple advice: use it, don’t abuse it. If we will all appreciate it, then by all means, send away. If not, I’ve got three hundred other people to check in with and I simply can’t pencil your Snapchat of the snow bank outside your window into my schedule. My time is precious.
We spend endless hours refreshing our feeds, adding new Snapchatters to our "My Friends," and checking out who our “best friends” are for the week.
In reality, it seems our best friend has really just become Snapchat. And hey, at least she’s reliable. Just don’t forget the value of face-to-face conversation. No hidden messages, just real words. Sounds kind of nice, right? When it comes to Snapchat, I guess Selena Gomez was right– everything is not what it seems. Except for World War II, unfortunately that was real. Too soon? Let me know.