What Presidential Debates Would Look Like If All The Candidates Were Drunk
Design by Brittany Isdith
Every four years, Americans stop everything they're doing and plant their asses in front of a television. Shoving popcorn in their faces, their eyes are fixed on the screen, and their ears are listening to every word that is uttered. What is going on, you may ask? Nope, ABC Family didn’t start airing episodes of Kyle XY again. It's the presidential debate.
The debates are one of the only times when the mass majority of Americans actually give a shit about politics. These debates give the candidates of both parties the platform to establish themselves as serious contenders, as Americans have the opportunity to judge the shit out of them.
In the most recent debates, some pretty tough questions were thrown at the candidates. While some took it as an opportunity to make their position on something clear, others avoided the question completely, leaving voters just as confused or even more in the dark about their stance on what was asked. Heads up to the candidates: not answering questions does not help your chances of gaining the support of the American people, you are just being jackasses. Maybe if all the candidates loosened up and had a few drinks it would give them an opportunity to tell the viewers how they really feel. As my mom always says, “Drunk words are sober thoughts.”
Here’s how the candidates would act if all they were drunk at the debates:
After a few gin and tonics and one 20-year-old bottle of wine later, these candidates would be more than ready for the American voters to view them as the potential leader of this “liberal” country. Although it is supposed to be a debate, I feel like it would turn into more of a friendly conversation, especially after Bernie Sanders pulls out his joint and starts a smoking circle.
Lincoln Chafee: He is that creepy uncle. The one that you don’t want to make eye contact with at Thanksgiving dinner in fear that you would actually have to talk to him. When he does speak at the debate, it is uncomfortable for everyone involved. Or maybe you’re just paranoid from that joint still. Thanks, Sanders.
Hilary Clinton: Who run the world? Hilary, apparently. Drunk Hilary would think that she runs the debate. We get it Hilary, your husband was once the president. Honestly at this point, she is just being the “DSG @ the PD” (drunkest sorority girl at the political debate) who thinks she is a bad ass betch.
Bernie Sanders: He would start telling stories about his most recent trip to the Burning Man Festival and how he had a spiritual awakening in the Nevada desert. If you stare at him for more than three seconds though, don’t be surprised when he tries to have a two-hour long heart to heart with you.
Martin O’Malley: He is literally the only sober one at this debate. He didn’t get the memo that everyone was drinking. He was the only one not invited to the pregame in Hilary’s dressing room and even creepy uncle Chaffee was invited. That says a lot.
Jim Webb: That intense look in his eyes when he is sober turns into a competitive one when he is drunk. He would be the one to shot gun beers on the stage as he challenges everyone around him to a chugging contest. He is the ultimate frat star.
Ever meet a person who is an angry drunk and every time they drink the night always ends with them yelling at someone? Well, imagine 11 of them in the same room because that is what would happen if the Republican candidates were debating drunk.
Jeb Bush: Seems like a guy who can’t handle his liquor. He would totally be the one to throw up on his podium. After he realizes he can’t hang he’d pull out his book of Sudoku puzzles and play that for the rest of the time.
Chris Christie: He is constantly on his phone, wanting the debate to be over so he can watch football and eat some nachos.
Carly Fiorina: Her “can I speak to the manager” haircut matches her drunk personality… mean and always unsatisfied.
Donald Trump: He'd be the one to throw a chair or a punch, like he was on the real housewives, if he didn’t agree with what someone was saying. And like my Aunt Sally, he would definitely pull off his toupee and wave it around. There is no way his hair isn’t fake, let’s be real.
All the other Republican candidates: Drunk yelling at each other over absolutely nothing.
Drunk debates would be a beautiful nightmare. You'd want to look away from what is happening but for some reason, you wouldn't have to inner power to do it, kind of like watching Keeping Up With The Kardashians. A drunk debate would be a good way to tell if a candidate could actually hang, but from some reason, I think it would be frowned upon for the future president to get drunk on live television. What a shame.