What To Get For Your Naughty-Listers
This season, we all have to find out whom we must spend our money on even if they’re naughty or nice. The holidays are all shits and giggles until we realize we actually have to adult and purchase gifts. Macaroni frames and necklaces don’t cut it any more. Your greedy aunt wants fucking diamonds and your secret Santa pick wants UGG mittens. There is no winning. You are caught in the middle of this hell. Buying gifts for the worst of the worst to save friendships, families and probably your job. We at JERK get you. These ungrateful bitches do not deserve your hard earned money. Check out these cost efficient gifts for the most loveably hate-able people in your life. The Filthy Roommate
Nothing says holiday season like a hairball or condom wrapper on the floor. Snag these slippers for your roommate who is verging on impossible to live with. If their side of the room resembles the devastation of a hurricane and you’re not sure if their bed is still there—or if someone else is in it—then get these now. They’ll think it’s a gift for them, but in the end, it is all for you.
Everyone has that person who would rather eat week old Chef Boyardee than waste their money. No problem with trying to save here and there, but this person has now invaded your life and critiques your spending habits as well (let’s not even talk about the Cyber Monday lecture you just got). Therefore, they need the most absurdly overpriced objects. Something disposable, maybe. A nice designer toothbrush perhaps? Oh that sounds useless enough. Wonderful.
You know you love them, because they’re just so nice, but honestly just tell me what you fucking want. It is impossible to buy for the person who just keeps repeating “No, I really don’t need anything.” Blah blah blah all that bullshit but then the piece de resistance—they still expect a gift. Finally, listen to their request and get them exactly what they asked for – a beautifully packaged nothing.
If holidays with the family were a big thing for you, it obviously meant the kids snuck out when the adults started talking and went to do their own random shit. The best cousins teach you how to give a BJ with a candy cane or snuck you a shot of Vodka when you were ten. Then one day, this amazing human who has inspired you in your alcoholic journeys, has a child. All of a sudden they no longer are cool and only pay attention to their baby. Buy them this baby feeder to save them time and remind them that this child is pretty much a pet and you’re the real deal.
We all have that one friend who cries to the Notebook every other night and likes to share “inspirational” quotes about how her “prince charming” will one day appear. There is nothing you can buy this girl that will make her happy other than a boyfriend. In that case, go for this hunky-hugging pillow. Bonus: now you don’t have to be the one to hold her as she cries over her failed Tinder date and wails “but he was the oooooooonnneee!”
Maybe you went to high school with him, maybe he’s your dorm room neighbor, maybe he’s your significant other – anyone can be affected by the hipster epidemic. If you notice signs of them starting to only drink Café Kubal over Starbucks and insisting that thrift shopping while listening to alt rock is the most relaxing activity than you’ve got a serious case on your hands. To knock them out of their vintage rocking chair and back into reality, purchase them a fake man bun (you know that’s why he hasn’t cut his hair in four months… right?) so he can see just how absurd he looks. And… if he decides to wear it… now you know who you no longer associate with.
If you’re living in a dorm, it is inevitable that you have some of the most ridiculous humans as your neighbors. I’m talking like scream sex at 2 a.m. type of neighbors or music blasting idiots who take turnt Tuesdays a little too far. Send this good ol’ faithful their way. These anonymous glitter bombs come addressed to a name of your choice and once they open it up BOOM. Death by glitter.
This person is the one who promotes their body on Instagram like they’re Alexis Ren. They never shut up about how amazing their shitting life is because their fabulous detox tea is making their experiences in the washroom a living dream. Like you could care less. Get them a thoughtful gift that shows them you really listen to them when they talk about their passions. That’s all. Mic drop.
If you’ve had the traumatizing experience of walking in on your little brother doing the deed under his covers at night, this gift needs no further explanation. Puberty is a beast of its own.
They really can’t take a hint. You’ve tried literally everything to get them to understand that that one night hook up who she keeps texting is ignoring her on purpose, his phone didn’t break. Make sure she gets the message loud and clear before heading home to her family and announcing her engagement.
It’s a fucking taxidermies chipmunk playing golf. There is literally nothing more absurd. The reaction on the person’s face receiving this will be gift enough to everyone around.