Why Christmas is the Attention Whore of All Holidays

You know that one friend who asks to pregame every party at your place, and always shows up an hour before they were invited? Yeah… That’s Christmas.

I’m all about the holiday spirit, but there’s something about Christmas that simply takes things too far. I’ll start by pointing out the obvious — Christmas is one day, or at least it’s meant to be. We’re supposedly celebrating Jesus’s birth into the world as a man. Now, last time I checked, birthday means just that: the day (singular) of birth. So why exactly do Christmas commercials take over television the second Halloween passes? Why am I listening to “Let it Snow” in October? Is no one else infuriated by the contradicting name of ABC Family’s 25 days of Christmas?

I’m not dissing Christmas because I’m a bitter Jewish girl from Connecticut, either. My mother is Jewish and my father is Christian, so growing up I got the best of “both worlds” (in other words… I got double the presents, challah). I just think we’ve gone a little overboard when it comes to celebrating Christmas. It’s essentially become the attention whore of all holidays. Oh, Jesus would be so proud.

I’ll start with Christmas music. I completely get the appeal — those are some catchy tunes — but do we really need to start playing them in October? It’s almost a tease. To me it’s no different than placing a piece of chocolate mousse cake in front of a child 60 days before their birthday and telling them they have to wait to eat it. It’s torture. It is absolute torture. Which I guess could be a metaphor for Jesus’s suffering before his death, but something tells me radio stations aren’t quite as philosophical (or as fucked up) as I am.

And let’s talk about this “Santa” character. Talk about needing attention — he basically hijacked Jesus’ birthday. There’s something about you, “Santa Claus,” that just doesn’t sit right with me. You infiltrate our chimneys without permission, raid our kitchens, and I hate to break it to you, but you’re definitely above the 85th percentile in weight, and Mrs. Claus has expressed some concern. You might want to go for a few less cookies.

Now, I don’t want to yuck everyone’s yum — I’m Team Jesus and pro Christmas, and I recognize that they both have great intentions. I’m just saying, you don’t see me whip out my dradle in class on November 1 and I don’t start baking latkes in October. I mean really guys, Jesus Christ.