8 Thoughts You Have The Morning After
Ah, college hook-ups. Nothing smells danker or brings back more memories (good and bad) than thinking back to your ever expanding collection of one-night stands. We are used to hearing that college is the best time of our lives, and it's hard to deny that sex might play a big part in that. Whether it was that guy from your psych class or a random girl you met at Chuck’s, here are the most common thoughts you are sure to have upon waking up after a late night rendezvous.
1. Where the fuck am I? Waking up with a raging headache is one thing, but realizing that you’re not in your own bed, let alone your own room is definitely disorientating. So, you spend the next few seconds trying to register exactly where you are and how you got there.
2. Oh shit. That did happen. Then suddenly, bit by bit, it all starts to flow back. You remember meeting him at the party, downing shots, sharing that joint, he moved in to kiss you, you guys were making out, moving to the bathroom, clothes coming off and oh… But how the hell did you get here?
3. Fuck, where’s my phone? As with everything else in our life, technology always has the answers. You glance at your phone to see texts from friends asking where you disappeared to last night. A quick view of your Snapchat story reveals way too much boozing, bonging, and almost-banging. Your Instagram feed has a newly-posted picture of you pulling a Miley Cyrus as you grind on some guy, which reminds you…
4. Wait, who is this guy again? You glance next to you and realize theirs another human there. Fuck, that’s probably him. As most drunken decisions tend to be bad ones, you carefully and slowly lift the blanket to get a good look at his face.
5. Good (or bad) job, drunk self! Depending on what you end up finding, sometimes you’ll be pleasantly surprised to see that you have good taste, even when 95 percent intoxicated. On the other hand, there’s a reason why they say to never make decisions while under the influence. Whatever it is, face the fact that you boned the dude and figure out what to do next.
6. Oh my god, I probably look like a Jersey Shore extra right now! Nothing’s worse than sleeping in make-up from a night out, except maybe having drunken sex in that makeup and then still leaving it on. As always, your trusty iPhone saves the day and you use your front-facing camera to check on your face. Note: prep yourself to be highly disappointed and slightly horrified at what you see.
7. I’m so gross right now. Going to sleep with alcohol and possibly dick breath does not make for the best morning breath. At this point, you're probably dying to pee and shower the ratchetness off your body.
8. Should I just leave? Or should I stay? Here’s when the big question happens — do you just hit it and quit it, or do you stay in bed and not be an ass, but possibly deal with an awkward-as-hell situation? Honestly, there’s no right answer to this.
If you choose to leave, grab your clothes and make a quick run for it before he or she wakes up. Harsh, I know, but there’s a reason why drunken choices are not the best. However, if the guy or girl next to you is just too freakin’ beautiful to pass on or if you suddenly remember how much you talked last night or if you’re just hoping for some morning sex, stay. If you can, sneak out of bed to the bathroom and freshen up so you don’t look or smell dank as hell. Then settle back in bed and hope for the best.
As awkward as they may be, morning-afters only signify one thing — you had a good night out and you got laid and honestly, what’s so bad about that?
Art by Shawna Rabbas