Juice Jam Horoscopes: How Will Your Day End?

screen-shot-2016-09-19-at-11-16-35-pm In between fall semester classes beginning once again and the cold gloom slowly settling over our Syracuse campus, students have been anxiously anticipating the arrival of one exhilarating day—Juice Jam. After weeks of “darty” preparation, playlist reviews and built-up frustration at heavy workloads, the SU studentbody is finally ready to commit all of its energy into one day (or a few hours, depending on your stamina).

The unfortunate reality is that, one way or another, most Juice Jams result in a shit show, whether it be tears, vomit or some kind of unforeseen nudity. Wondering which lovely outcome will be yours? We at Jerk have looked to the stars to create your Juice Jam horoscopes. (Read at your own risk).


Libra (September 24 – October 23):

You silly, naïve, sophisticated newborn baby. Your friends convinced you to go to the bars on Saturday because, “You’ll regret it if you don’t,” or, “Even Emily is going,” or any excuse that you’ll regret listening to in retrospective. But look where it landed you on the holy day of Juice Jam. You lay in a pile of your own puke, just a few hours into your early morning pregame. Our condolences, but you live and you learn, I guess.

Scorpio (October 24 – November 22):

Repeat after me: Day drinking is very bad. Your outside celebrations get the best of your sensitive skin, and you can almost feel the burnt skin peeling off your body by your fourth game of flip cup. You’re a fighter though – you throw on a hat, lather yourself in SPF 1000, put on some pants and march yourself down to Juice Jam. You might look like a boiling lobster in the pictures, but it was worth it.

Sagittarius (November 23 – December 22):

You knew Tove Lo’s “Cool Girl” before it was cool. You ambitiously arrive at Skytop Field at 11:30 a.m. and are already hungover and over-dehydrated by 1 p.m. You have to be carried home by your ex who stumbled upon your lifeless body before Marshmello leaves the stage.

Capricorn (December 23 – January 20):

Three of your past hookups show up to the pregame. This will not make your already pissy significant other any happier. You try to juggle all four situations at once, but it inevitably ends up with someone in tears. While your ex’s mingle (probably bonding over your inadequacies), you run away from your problems and end up at Juice Jam right as the food stalls are opening up. The rest of your day is uphill from there.

Aquarius (January 21 – February 19):

You had some weird Chinese food the night before, but it doesn’t affect you until you’re in Skytop Field. After taking way too long in a Juice Jam Port-A-Potty, you run-stumble away in embarrassment before rumors can spread that that smell came from you.

Pisces (February 20 – March 20):

A total happy-drunk, you end up kissing all of your friends hello – and maybe some strangers, you’re not sure. People love how hyped you are, and you get lifted up on someone’s shoulders, before immediately falling down. Just as you’re about to be wallow in the sadness of getting dirt on your perfectly assembled Juice Jam outfit, Fetty Wap comes out on stage and saves the day. Ultimately, you’re in a good place…for this year at least.

Aries (March 21 – April 20):

You head to South Campus to a small pregame. Upon seeing Jell-O shots in the kitchenette, you inhale 6. On a sugar high, you knock down a TV, or maybe run through a screen door. Luckily for you, no one notices until the next day that their sad Slocum apartment is wrecked. You’re in the clear as long as you keep your mouth shut…

Taurus (April 21 – May 21):

Decides to do coke for the first time and cries all day. Sorry ‘bout it.

Gemini (May 22 – June 21):

You do really well all of Juice Jam (Good for you!) until the ride home. You grab a water before hopping on the bus, and after accidentally drinking it like the shots you’ve been taking all day, you immediately vomit in the now empty Dixie cup, which eventually ends up all over the girl in front of you. It’s okay, you won’t remember it, but just know that the vomit-soaked girl will have it out for you for as long as you’re both still on campus.

Cancer (June 22 – July 22):

You turn your back for one second, and your friend is partaking in some illegal substances. A few short hours later, he looks like Crazy Eyes from OITNB and is vomiting on DPS’s shoes. You have to apologize profusely for his “eating too many SU catering corn dogs.” DPS rolls their eyes and limps away.

Leo (July 23 – August 21):

After pushing your way through the crowd for half an hour and posting cliché Snapchats with some major sun glare, your phone dies and you lose all your friends. Have fun finding your way home.

Virgo (August 22 – September 23):

The morning of Juice Jam, you leave the house in a hurry, and somewhere along the way you lose a vital piece of orange paper—that’s right, your ticket. Already there, and certain that someone has attempted to sell the $20 stub for eight times its normal price, you hide amidst a circle of overly drunk jersey wearers, and just barely get past the doors. Good looks, Virgo. Looks like you may have won Juice Jam…for now.